Many of the jokes and funnies we receive each month come through a long tag line of internet emails.  Makes me wonder when all these folks have time to work?   Most of the time, we can not verify where or how these humorous rib ticklers originated.  If you are the master mind behind one of these funny stories, let us know – we’d like to give you a “high-five and two thumbs up” for bringing a little joy to our corner of the world!

Sent in by John:

“I’m Awfully Well for the Shape I’m In”

There’s nothing whatever the matter with me;

I’m just as healthy as I can be.

I have arthritis in both of my knees;

And when I talk, I talk with a wheeze.

My pulse is weak, and my blood is thin,

But I’m awfully well for the shape I’m in.

Arch supports I have for my feet,

Or I wouldn’t be able to walk on the street.

Sleep is denied me night after night,

And every morning I look a sight.

My memory is failing; my head’s in a spin;

But I’m awfully well for the shape I’m in.

The moral is, as this tale we unfold,

That for you and me, who are growing old,

It is better to say, “I’m fine,” with a grin,

Than to let them know the shape we’re in.

                                         Author unknown

From Milton Berle’s Private Joke Files:

The condemned prisoner sat in his cell.  Coming to him, the warden asked what he wanted for his last meal.  The prisoner asked for watermelon.  The warden said, “There won’t be any watermelon until next year.”  The prisoner said, “I’ll wait!”

A convict explained to his pals, “I’d love to escape with you, but I can’t.  My wife’s out there!”

A prisoner is offered the famous last meal on the eve of his execution.  He orders a salad with mushrooms, mushroom soup, and a steak smothered in mushrooms.  Asked why all the mushrooms, he answers, “I was always afraid to eat them!”

The prisoner’s wife was visiting him and giving what-for.  “Look at you – attempted robbery, attempted burglary, and last attempted murder.  Why are you such a failure?”

A prisoner escaped on visiting day.  When caught, he explained, “I thought it was Open House!”

A guard tells a prisoner, “The sooner you finish all your cereal, the sooner you get out on the rock pile with everybody else!”

Bubba and the Wal-Mart Test

           (Sent in on email by Shelia Cory)

An office manager at Walmart was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening.  After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified.

He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question.

Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the interviewer asked,

 “What is the fastest thing you know of?”

Acknowledging the first man on his right, the man replied, “A THOUGHT.”  “It just pops into your head.  There’s no warning that it’s on the way; it’s just there.  A thought is the fastest thing I know of.”

“That’s very good!” replied the interviewer.

“And now you sir?” he asked the second man.

“Hmmm.  Let me see.  A BLINK!  It comes and goes and you don’t know that it ever happened.  A blink of an eye is the fastest thing I can think of.”

“Ex-cell-ent!” said the interviewer.  “The blink of an eye, that’s very good.”

He then turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply.

“Well, out at my dad’s ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there’s a light switch.  When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light in the barn comes on in less than an instant.  Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of.”

The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man.  “It’s hard to beat the speed of light,” he said.

Turning to Bubba, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question.

Old Bubba replied, “After hearing the three previous answers, It’s obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA.”

“What!?” said the interviewer, stunned by the response.

“Oh, I can explain.”  Old Bubba. said “You see the other day I wasn’t feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but, before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already pooped my pants!”

Old Bubba is now the new greeter at a Walmart near you.